I had finally found the answers when the therapist told me that I had Asperger's Syndrome/otherwise known as autism now in the DSM-V. It was my epiphany that all my life as I had felt like a misfit always trying to fit in, trying to conform and be a perfectionist....that there was a name for the anxiety that I was feeling the angst in the pit of my stomach, the migraine headaches that I had as a teenager. However, when I reached out to my mother for loving support to validate my diagnosis, my relief that I had finally found my answers to all the questions that I had in my 49 years of my life even after my autistic son had been diagnosed. She had just given me a sigh and moved on to the next subject. I felt the pit of my stomach drop.
I was diagnosed as Bipolar in 2001 because when I was pregnant I was on Zoloft and was so manic that I was out of control. I had so many episodes of rage that I don't understand how my partner could take me. But he supported me even through my son's birth. I have had support of others in my life but I typically shun them because I do not know how to trust since I have been hurt so many times, hence the episode with my mom. We do have a history of pain between us and mistrust that is why our conversations consist of the weather and what we are having for dinner .
Now that I know that I am an Aspie, I am proud! I am a single mom of an autistic son and an Aspie! I am making it below the poverty level on a disability check, I am not able to work because I can barely leave the house to be around people and function, I can barely walk and use my feet because my feet have severe arthritis so bad but I know that I am blessed with my son, and even though I feel depressed at times and lonely......I still prefer to be alone with my son. I wouldn't change my life, it is as it is meant to be.